Attending a Gathering
When was the last time you expressed sympathy to someone who had lost a loved one? Knowing what to say to someone who is grieving can be challenging. Every situation is different. Losing a loved one is difficult and everyone deals with grief differently. Below are some tips to help you navigate these unchartered waters. The best thing you can do is to show up and offer your love and support. You don't have to know what to say, nor do you have to have something planned ahead of time. Love transcends all words. You being there in the moment is what counts.
What to say at a Memorial Gathering?
Just Listen
If you find yourself at a loss for words at a memorial service, the best thing you can do is listen. Sit with those in mourning and offer empathy by listening to their stories about the dearly departed. Be open and empathetic and don’t try to monopolize the conversation. Some people might not want to talk at all, which is absolutely fine. In this case, know that just being there can provide comfort (but watch for body language cues and know when it’s time to leave).
Share Memories
Sharing memories of those who have passed on is a good way to memorialize them at a gathering. Those who are grieving are often happy to hear stories about their loved ones – anecdotes about your relationship with the deceased can be uplifting in a time of stress, and also help distract from the situation at hand. Just make sure the focus of the story is not about you and make it brief.
Offer Help
If you’re going to offer assistance, don’t say “Let me know if you need any help.” This will likely fall upon deaf ears as the affected person doesn’t want to be pressured to come up with something for you to do. Think of genuine ways you can help and be specific, e.g. “Don’t worry about cleaning house this week – I’ll pop over and help you out,” or “I know Mike walked the dogs in the mornings – I’d be happy to do that for you for the next few weeks.”
What to Wear
Tradition has always required a certain level of formality in dressing for a memorial service. However, today's services are so varied that it's challenging to know what's expected.
Advisers say "Attire isn't limited to just black or dark gray. Remember it is a serious occasion and your attire should reflect that, especially if you are participating in the service. At the very least it should be clean, neat, and pressed as for any other important occasion."
Follow-Up with Kindness
You may not get a chance to say anything to the family at the funeral but you can still express sympathy through a condolence letter. Your sentiments can be short, e.g. “Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother,” or you can share a warm memory so the reader understands how you felt about their loved one. Using the deceased’s name is important as it shows you aren’t afraid to speak of him or her. If you’ve not already done so, this is a good time to send the family a sympathy note or card.
In the Months to Come
Several weeks after the memorial service, pick up the phone to check in with them to see if there’s anything they need.
Don't be afraid to reach out on important dates, such as birthdays, anniversaries, or the anniversary of the death date. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but love goes along way, even if there are not words to be said, your presence is enough.
Things You Should Not Say at a Funeral
I know how you feel.
You mean well since you have experienced loss too. But your loss is unique to you, and their loss is unique to them. Say "Though I don't understand your pain, I understand that loss is terrible."
They are in a better place.
Even though this may be true, the griever still feels that the deceased is supposed to be here, with them.
At least he died doing what he loved. Don't diminish the loss and don't assume you know how they feel- just listen to them instead.
Call me if you need anything.
Don't add to their stress by telling them to call you. Offer something specific that you can do.
It was her time.
This suggests there was a reason for the death, but to those grieving there is never any reason good enough for the loss of their loved one.
It will get easier.
The griever doesn't want to forget the person they love. Sometimes starting to heal can feel like they are forgetting or 'moving on.'
Be strong.
Allow people to mourn in their own way. Displaying emotions is not a sign of weakness. It can be very healing.
